I struggle with a sense of belonging
Mitch 22. From Devon. Student.
How are you?
I genuinely think this period has been the happiest I've been in my adult life, physically and emotionally. I feel healthy.
When lockdown started I had nothing to do. I started doing a few press ups. I’m quite light so it was relatively easy. Every few days I’d add on a few more. In the end I was doing 75 every night. I started to see a definitive difference in my body. I didn’t start doing exercise because I wanted to feel healthy it was more about the aesthetics. I didn't feel particularly attractive but once I saw the benefits ascetically, I started watching YouTube videos, I bought a pair of dumbbells and a yoga mat and got a PT (Personal Trainer). It has had a massive benefit on my mental and emotional health.
What did you not like about yourself before? I was pretty skinny. My brother has a six pack. It was natural for me to draw comparisons. At university I was surrounded by all kinds of people but especially people that work out.
I’d spent between the age of 15 - 20 telling myself that my body hadn't finished going through puberty and it was going to grow and become more manly. Over time I realised I had to accept me as I was. I wasn’t going to keep growing and if I wanted to make changes I’d have to do something about it.
Social politics says you can't call someone fat but people don’t have problems with calling me too skinny. They would put their fingers around my wrist “Oh look I can get my fingers around your wrist”. “Look how thin you are”. “Are you're not eating?”. I was eating the right amount, I just don’t put on weight. There's not much stigma around mocking people for being skinny. I never figured that out until I started to put on weight then everyone would be like - “Oh, you look so much better now”.
I was eating four and a half thousand calories a day, every day. I still eat between three and a half and four every everyday. It’s not fun to gorge yourself everyday. I had days when I looked in the mirror with a dysphoric feeling - Look how skinny you are, you've lost everything you've put on!