I am world weary

David 76. Married. Psychotherapist from America, lives in Rome. 

How are you? 

Impulsively my  husband and I moved to Rome five years ago, I love it here. All things were going well until February. Now I would say I'm so, so, and the reason is because of what is happening in the world. I read the newspapers and follow the news. The environmental degradation has been getting to me for a long time. Over population and the pandemic, and now there's all the protesting. The injustices in the world. The abuse of power, the racism, the sexism, all of it. I won't say I'm depressed but I get these glum, dour days. And I call it the ‘Weltschmerz’. It’s a German term. It's the pain of the world - I am world weary. 

How do you see yourself?

As an older man who is basically content. I have a very  loving husband. We live in a small but very comfortable apartment. When we moved here the main requirement was an apartment with a terrace. I have a beautiful terrace, with a zillion plants. It lights me up.

I have a nice psychotherapy practice. I work with a lot of interesting people. I've done a lot of work on myself so I'm able to identify any undercurrents. I see myself as resilient when things bother me, except for this Weltschmerz, it’s getting worse. It will pass in a couple of days.

What do you think about marriage?

I like being married. We been together for 11 years. Married for 7. I think marriage is wonderful, although sometimes overrated. I think there are a thousand reasons to be married but equally as many to be single. I saw some research once showing that married men are the happiest in the quadrant of married, single, male, female. The next happiest is group are single women. The least happy group are single men.

My mum and dad's marriage was very stable. They were extremely different people. Both very independent. They led parallel lives. They didn’t get in each others way but there was a sense of a family unit nonetheless. My dad turned from a rather independent fellow to a very dependent fellow towards the end. My mother died first. She was much younger than my dad. She died of cancer at 57. Which was very sad. In the beginning they had this romance, they used to go dancing all the time. They’d get dressed up go to nightclubs, this was back in the forties and early fifties. Towards the end of their lives they were growing closer, in a deeper way. I was sure my father would die within a year of my mother's death, but he didn’t. He hung on for another five or six years. 

Where does all your energy go?

A lot goes into my work. Quite a bit of it goes into my relationship. A bit goes into my terrace because it’s filled with plants, and I have my cats. I've always put a lot of energy into friendships too. I think it's horrible to say but I think I've arrived at a point where I have too many friends. I can't do my friendships justice anymore.

What are your dreams ?  

I remember hearing a song called Far Away Places. It was about the magical qualities of far away places. My mother used to read me books that would have sketches of medieval towns, the Brothers Grimm kind of thing; with geese walking in the street and all these higgledy piggledy buildings and architecture. I think that impacted my dreams. My big dream was to travel. I'd like to go to Patagonia and southern Argentina and Chile. I would like to go to Georgia, Armenia, and Azerbaijan.

I remember back in the fifties when I was a teenager, there wasn't a lot of sexual intercourse or even heavy petting going on at the time. I was afraid I would die before ever having had full sex. I was very obsessed with sex. Both with women and men. I lived as a bisexual. I think to some degree I am bisexual, with a leaning towards men. Years ago I moved to Amsterdam, there's a big gay community and a lot of sex available. It’s a subterranean world. Dark bars with saunas and places to have sex. I wouldn't say I was a sex addict, but I came pretty close. Do you get to know the person at all? No, it sounds shallow, but it's the truth. It’s preferable, unless the sex was really good. Occasionally I’d invite someone for a drink after, just to see them in the light of night as it were. Sometimes when they spoke, it spoiled it. Not that I’ve had all my sex in the back room of bars. Sexual adventures have been important to me. Since my partner and I have been together I’ve been monogamous. I’ve had my share. 

What's your most memorable experience? 

One of my most wonderful memories is my wedding. The speech my husband did for me, I’m tearing up thinking about it. It was so moving. We got married at a french cooking school, in Amsterdam. We didn't invite anybody. We had four witnesses and that was it. Friends crashed. In the end, we had 16 guests and us. We all did the cooking lesson and made our own wedding dinner. We had one long table, it was very intimate. We could walk around and talk to everybody. He gave his speech. I practically fell off my chair, laughing. He was so endearing. 

The other memories that immediately came to mind are with my two uncles.They're both dead now. One used to take me places and show me things. I had a fabulous time; amusement parks, museums. He used to take us to baseball and football games. His interest in the world dovetailed with my own interest for travel and exploration.He’d picked me up when I was in high school. He’d cook and make us fabulous sandwiches. He was so warm. I wanted to emulate him. 

The other uncle was funny. He was married to a very beautiful woman, they were a sexy couple. He had a boat. They’s take me away for weekends and taught me how to swim and water ski. He always took a keen interest in me. He and my aunt taught me how to dance and to sing. I was like their child toy. Then they had their own children!

Another memory is whenI lived in Amsterdam. I’d just finished school and was totally burnt out. I flew over from the states with two suitcases. I didn't know anybody. I met this American couple who needed a babysitter. I became their it. Every day before this little boys nap I’d read him his favourite Mother Goose book. He would sit on my lap. My arms around him as we turned the pages. I babysat him for about a year. He was 21/2 when I left. Then when he was six and I went to back to see them. He didn't remember me. I went for dinner which was around his bedtime. I was sat on the couch when he walked over to the bookshelf and he plucked up this same Mother Goose book without saying the word and brought it over. He crawled up and sat up on my lap. It was nonverbal. I was moved to tears. Those days reading to him had meant something to him at such a young age. That's incredible. His parents were gobsmacked.

What do you think about life? 

My take is, it’s just an accident. Through collisions in space, explosions and planets forming, the conditions were right. I think we evolved. I don't think it really has a purpose. I don't think there is a central meaning, not for me anyhow. Life is whatever is going on at that moment  - that’s the meaning of my life.

How do you feel about death? 

It puts me off a bit! (Laughing) And I'd like to put it off for a while. I worked for years with people with HIV & AIDS so I've been with several people as they died. I was with my mother when she died. 

I used to be afraid of death. I had to come back to it about a thousand times before it comforted me. We've been dead for most of eternity, it was only the moment we were conceived that we were finally alive and it hasn't been that long, all things considered. We’ve known death, but there's nothing to know. It's giving up and it's letting go of what we have. I find that very hard. I'm the kind of person likes to stay up. I’m a night owl. Even when I get tired, I’m fighting to read that book or article, watch that film. I'm never quite ready to let go. There’s always a little more to do, explore or experience. I know I'll struggle with that. 

What are your views on faith? 

I'm not big on faith. I'm more into empiricism. I have beliefs in democracy and friendship. I see that nothing is permanent. Spirituality is a passing experience. I can usually pinpoint why it's happening. I'm normally aware of what's moving me forward. It’s usually when I feel connected and to nature. Sometimes I'll have an encounter with somebody. There have been times when I’ve been at a concert hall, a single musician, pianist or a violinist playing fills me. I feel like I’m almost levitating. It’s unexpected moments like that. It’s connection. 

What would you like to leave for the next generation?

That I’ve been able to share a sense of connection that my nieces and nephews that will continue with their own children, friends, partners and communities. I think connection can be very broad. I think what appeals to me is this kind of circularity that you give and take at the same time.

How do you best express yourself? 

I like to dance. I took dancing lessons when I was a kid. I was never good at the tango, but it always fascinated me. It's a sophisticated, elegant dance. I used to dance the Rumba and the Fox Trot. When we were young we did the jitterbug. Freeforming. Just getting on the dance floor and jumping around.

What do you think about doing this today?

I am very impressed by your ability to listen well, and to probe. So many people cant do that well. You do it well, and it's refreshing. Because I'm a therapist, I'm usually the listener. Maybe I went overboard a bit. I'm not feeling guilty about having talked too much though. This was an uninterrupted conversation. I didn't know how I was going to find it, but I've enjoyed it very much.