The Blog

I’ve been ignoring my spiritual needs

Bea 45 married. Two grown-up kids and works in finance.

How are you?

I am possibly having a midlife crisis. Why did I just tell you that? Why do we always tell the truth? Sometimes I tell lies and I am always amazed when people believe me. I’ve created an alter ego on a website and have lots of followers. It’s quite liberating. People talk about the real me on there, which they wouldn't do to my face. It’s always fascinating to see how differently people see me. I love the fact that I can be and say whatever I want - it’s very freeing. 

I like being a bit provocative. Occasionally I’ll go through a red light or overtake a lane of cars just for the hell of it and then laugh my head off at other people’s enraged expressions!

What brings you down?

Loneliness, I am feeling isolated and lonely at the moment. I am happiest when I’m with people - I don’t like my own company. If I am by myself it’s way too easy to sit in front of the telly eating. I am a workaholic so I don’t make enough time for things I enjoy.

How do you see yourself?

Sometimes I don’t think I’m a very nice person. I can be abrasive. I lose my temper quickly. I can be selfish. I know what I want so I override other people. I am quite irritable. I like things to be perfect and I’m not very tolerant. I’m also highly critical of myself.  

How do you best express yourself?

I can talk the hind legs off a donkey. I’m also quite physical when I speak. I gesticulate a lot and I play with my hair.

I gave up smoking a few years ago. I’d tried loads of times but this time I did it and I even took up running. I have done things I never thought I’d be able to do. I thought I had the willpower of a gnat. If I can get my brain focused and do something I thought was impossible - anyone can! 

What do you think about life?

It’s a little bit pointless isn’t it? You strive to meet certain milestones but what’s the point? I understand why people turn their backs on society, it’s not a dream - it’s a treadmill. We are all pursuing what we are 'supposed' to be doing and we invent first-world problems to distract us: bigger kitchens, bigger houses, better cars etc. There are people in the world who don’t have food or water and that’s real life. Unless we are here to learn something? I haven't been in touch with my spiritual side. My big thing is 'we’re all going to die, so what’s the point?' Why bother with an education and a career when at the end of it all, you just die? 

What have you taken from this experience?

It’s been quite an intense day. You’ve made me explore things I’ve been avoiding. It’s been uncomfortable admitting that I’m not a nice person sometimes. You've seen the vulnerable side of me. I realised that I have been ignoring my spiritual side, and maybe that’s what’s missing in my life. I have distanced myself and maybe I need to focus and give into those signs. It’s been a very interesting and intense experience!