The Blog

My behaviour frustrates me

Caroline is 44 from Scotland, she lives in London with her husband and three children.

How are you? 

Today I’m feeling good but I am a worrier. I have stress incontinence. Wee slowly drips out of me when I walk upstairs. I worry about leaking. I have to wear a one of those Tena pads at night. I don’t know what to do. Should I get it sorted out? I worry about what might happen when I’m older.

How do you see yourself?

Oh gosh. I suppose I see myself as competent, capable and very opinionated! I’m not very good at acting the part if I’m not feeling comfortable. I don’t like being out of my comfort zone. But saying that I’m not afraid to voice my opinion; especially after a drink or two! 

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and say “Is that me? I am much more confident than I used to be - I like that about getting older. I used to do what everyone told me to do, now I do what I want. I am more open to things these days and willing to give new things a try.

What’s your most memorable experience?

Twelve years ago I’d gone back home to Scotland for the Easter holidays to visit my mum and dad. I woke at 2 am to see my dad being taken off to hospital; he was having a heart attack. Sadly, he died. 

What are your dreams? 

When I wake up in the morning my wish is that everyone has a good day. 

I don’t want to take initiate in life - I’m a person who just joins in. I read The Dice Man once, the main character made life decisions based on the roll the dice. I’d love to have the confidence to take risks with no consequences.

Where does all your energy go?

The occasional anger outburst at my husband. Then I say something I shouldn't have. My mouth tends to engage way before my head!

What do you think about life?

I don't think there’s a great scheme. You live you die. But I do believe my dad is looking down on me. I believe in fate; there are reasons we meet the people in our lives. 

What brings you down?

Frustration with my son. I don’t behave appropriately. Sometimes I’m so cross with my husband I don't speak to him for days. My behaviour frustrates me.

How do you best express yourself?

Through my presentation. I take pride in the way I look. I always make an effort. When I have too much to drink I get very loud. I try hard to be quiet but I can’t do it.

Who or what inspires you?

My Mum. 

Are you free?

No, No, No. Of course not!