I’m bored and unhappy.
Sunita 49 from Canada. Stay at home mum. Married and feeling trapped.
How are you?
I’m bored and unhappy. I’m not where I expected to be. I’m trapped! My confidence has been knocked by staying at home. I’m tired of being a middle class mum. I’m in a state of constant dissatisfaction and it’s not me. My energy is being leeched out of me.
How do you see yourself?
Loud and opinionated. I never quite fit in. I’m down on myself right now. I need clear space, noise is clutter to my head. I used to be more vibrant, energetic and spontaneous. I used to take risks but now I’ve become a little too middle class. I feel constricted and hemmed in - stuck in a cube. I need financial independence and open spaces but I'm a control freak.
What do you think about children?
Being a mum is a lot of hard work and I’m not a natural but it’s probably the best thing I’ve ever done. I never thought I wanted any children but then I had one and wanted more. It was so easy to get pregnant. I was 40 the first time but then subsequently miscarried three times. I felt huge peer pressure to have more children but it wasn't meant to be.
What are your dreams?
I would love to go to art college and study art history. To have a part time job and to live in a home that’s fixed up and not a flipping fire hazard. I’d like to spend more time with my family in Canada. My mums getting older and the quality of life there is better.
What do you think about marriage?
I’ve did it once, I didn't really want to do it again, but I did! My husband frustrates and angers me.
How do you best express yourself?
By nagging. I’m a fastidious control freak - a neat freak. I can’t think without clear space.
Who or what inspires you?
I’m inspired when I see a beautiful piece of art or a beautiful sunset. I feel really alive and hopeful when I go to the theatre. I miss being in the wilderness. I love urban spaces but there’s too many people in big cities. It’s not like that back home.
What do you think about life?
To be got through at the moment.
What do you think about death?
I have watched two people die. My first husband; from a brain tumour and then my dad. It’s quite profound when someone takes their last breath in front of you.
I'm a Ismaili Muslim and at our funerals everything is very immediate and full of emotion. Nothing is suppressed. We pray, cry, eat. There is so much food. The body is wrapped in a sheet. You sit on the ground and the face of the deceased is visible. The body comes very close to you, you can touch it. The body is then carried away by the men and buried. We wear white not black. There is a real sense that a death has occurred, on a more guttural level.
What would you like to leave for the next generation?
I’d like for my daughter to be a confident woman. A woman with a sense of purpose and not to be influenced by her parents fucked up relationship.
Are you free?
No! I feel really constricted and hemmed in. I feel stuck; personally, financially, in my decision making and through my husband.
What have you taken for today?
I am normally far more restrained. I am surprised I’ve let out as much shit as I have. It’s been heartening to know other people go through similar things and I just hope this has kicked my butt into gear. I’d like to do something about it and change the broken record.