The Blog

I’m not forgetful I just don’t remember.

Pam 85 widowed twice. Two children, five grandchildren.

How are you?

I’m quite happy but I don’t like being old. It’s the physicality of getting old I don’t like. I’m not strong in my body anymore and it makes me so cross. I can’t do the things I want to. 

How do you feel about the weather?

I love the sun, although I don’t like it too hot. I loathe the cold. I love the spring; everything is young and green and you just go “Ah, YES!”.

What do you think about marriage?

Marriage is a good thing. It’s ‘proper’ and good for the children. I don't agree with two men or two women getting married. You have to work at a marriage. It’s easier to get fed up and think the grass is greener. A couple I know are about to celebrate their 70th anniversary. 

How do you think other people see you?

I don’t know. I’d like to be thought well of. At times I’m not a nice person. I can be catty. I like to think I can keep a secret, but once or twice I’ve been told something and I’ve gone on to tell someone else - the consequences were amazing. 

What brings you down?

 I absolutely loathe rushing. If I’m not feeling well, that brings me down. If I get in a high nervous state or if I’ve upset someone by saying something I shouldn’t.

What are your dreams and desires?

I like to get up and do things. I listen to the radio a lot. I’d like to travel more but I’m a quiet person and like to be in the back row these days. 

Where does all your energy go?

I was always sporty and I used to play a lot of tennis which I loved. Nowadays I like to use my brain by doing code words and crosswords. It’s important to keep busy and your mind active.

How do you see yourself?

As an elderly lady. I loathe being grey, who thought you could be vain in old age? 

I have no initiative and I berate myself for that. I try to be helpful to my friends and family and not be too much of a nuisance. 

How do you best express yourself?

When I come to express myself I can’t hear what I’m saying. 

I’m not an exhibitionist or anything. I love to do my art. I find it very relaxing and it cuts me off from everything else. I was very happy when I did my first painting - I thought “Yes, I can paint” but I don't do it so much anymore.

Who or what inspires you?

I’m quite ordinary really. I like to listen to the radio, I get inspired from that. Oh and sunsets, I’d love to be able to paint them. 

What’s your most memorable experience?

When both your husbands die. My first husband died at 51, he had a heart attack in bed and my second husband, he was in his 80s. One evening he was sat in the chair watching tv, he got up to pull the curtain and had a heart attack. I knew he wouldn't survive. I’ve had to do chest pumping and give the kiss of life twice.

What do you think about life?

I feel very sorry for my grandchildren. I think things are going to be very difficult for them. The country is in a bit of a mess. Politicians don't seem to get anywhere. It’s a shame and I’m not big enough to change the world. 

Technology is tremendous but I don’t understand why people go on Facebook or Twitter, I can’t see the point of it. 

What would you like to leave for the next generation?

A peaceful place for everyone. 

Are you free?

I do feel more or less free, although my mind is going. I’m not forgetful I just don’t remember. I find things come back to me in the middle of the night.