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I find it hard to put feelings into words

Steph 50 from Surrey, married, stay at home mum of two.

How are you?

Sluggish and overwhelmed mentally and physically. There’s a side of me that’s always been sluggish, I think it’s due to laziness! I lack confidence and I always tell myself I have a weak immune system. I felt much older once I reached 48. I’m going through the change. I feel older, I look older and I act older. I am more accepting of myself and my appearance. I don’t care - I can’t be bothered!

How do you feel about marriage?

I am a bit bitter that my Husband has moulded me and taken control of everything. 

What’s your most memorable experience?

My wedding, it was spectacular. I loved my wedding day.

How do other people see you?

Private, shy, neurotic, kind and funny, artistic, high maintenance, always living in the past.

What are your dreams and desires?

To be loving;  giving it and receiving it. My dream is to know where I want to go, what I want to do and being centered and at peace. It saddens me that I have no ambition or dreams to follow. I’m quite happy just being like I am - content not doing much. 

What brings you down?

Worry, without a shadow of a doubt. I’ve always been a worrier, it stems from lots of insecurities. My brother always said I had too much time on my hands. I’m very sensitive, I take everything in. I’m half empty. I always see the negatives. I hate change and the unknown but deep down I’m a contented person and accept my lot.

How do you see yourself?

Inadequate, a pleaser, self conscious, a worrier, private, loving, kind. I am a simple person and I don’t need a lot.

Where does all you energy go?

Into my emotions and my hormones. I analysis and think too much. I find it hard to put feelings into words but sometimes my senses are so strong that I feel completely blank towards my Husband and kids  - an emptiness.

What do you like about yourself?

I like that I’m quick witted and I love to make people laugh and feel at ease. I think it’s much harder to be a woman than a man. We have everything on our shoulders. Women are the wicket keepers whilst men bat it off all the time. 

I used to be an model and therefore it’s tough as you age. I used to like my body and my physical appearance but not now. I accept it but I don’t like it. 

How do you best express yourself?

In the worst way  - by screaming! And through movement and dance. I talk to myself too.

Who or what inspires you?

My Mum, she always wanted to improve and better herself.

How do you feel about life?

It’s a hard struggle, unsettling at times, but it can be very fulfilling. It’s a learning path.  It’s a cycle of giving and learning. 

What would you like to leave for the next generation?

An insight into human traits and a better understanding that we’re all meant to be different. I’d like to leave acceptance, manners and tolerance but saying that I have no tolerance with my own children!




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