The Blog

“It’s a struggle for someone like me because I’m vain”

Gill 46 divorced. She lives in Surrey  with her two children works part time in admin.

How are you?

There’s a tiny bit of me that wants to let it all go and say 'sod it' but it’s a struggle for someone like me because I’m vain. I am beginning to feel invisible, no one would look at me now and I don’t like it. If I was married I’d probably feel different. I still have something to offer, but externally there is a flaw in me now. The breast cancer was a definite marker in my life; BC and AC, life before and life after. It has coincided with the menopause. I wonder if I’ll ever have a relationship again? I’m not lonely. I enjoy my own company and I’m not frightened about the boys leaving home but it would be nice to be in a relationship. It’s companionship and it’s nice to share stuff. 

How do you think other people see you?

Friendly, maybe a bit full of myself. Some people think I’m innocuous. I think men and women have a different perception of me. Some women are threatened by me. 

What makes you tick?

That sense of loveliness, wellbeing and happiness. I get it when I’m at home during the summer when I’m out in my garden. There’s absolute contentment, especially if I have worked hard during the day. Sitting on my lounger with a Gin and Tonic - bliss. There is enormous contentment at the end of the day when you just stop. I think one of the results I get from relaxation has to come from achieving something then I've earned it. 

How do you see yourself?

Somebody who is not terribly exciting. I’m never going to set the world on fire but I’m never going to fuck it up either. I am always striving to do a little bit better.

What do you think about life?

It’s a journey but you don’t realise that when you're a child. I am much more aware of my own mortality. The route changes when you have children. You're following two journeys. I try to steer them but let them take their own path and then - there’s my life too? 

Having dealt with cancer I am much more comfortable with my mortality now. There is a big part of me that asks 'have I done the best part of my journey?' I think there is a a danger of listening to what the media tells us and we can forget what really matters.

What have you taken from today?

It has been a rather lovely and timely as I am at a stage of change. It’s been nice to spend time thinking about stuff.