The Blog

I have a capacity for melancholy and I quite enjoy that

Pia 36, married with two children. Volunteers part time in a women's refuge. 

How are you?

I find life uncomfortable and traumatic at times. Life is definitely a journey and sometimes I wish I was at the end of it. My life is a lot less hard than 99% of the population, I have so much but life is tough.

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I think my Mum made life too easy for us. She lived to service us and there’s a part of me that wants her to come and make it all better. 

I would like to be more ok with the ordinary. I don’t have ambition and have spent a lot of time being dissatisfied and unfulfilled. Having children hasn’t fulfilled me. I have a capacity for melancholy and I quite enjoy that. 

Who or what inspires you?

My Grandad inspired me. He entered me into “the Young Reporter of the Year” and my Sister into “Supermarket Sweep”! He was an amazing man and he only had one leg. 

I am inspired by the women I work with in a hostel for homeless women; they've had a tough time, they're not all sorted by any means but they have survived and not in some big flashy way. 

I am from Lancashire but now live in London, I miss the landscape. I love the hills and mountains and when I travel back North I always get quite emotional around Bolton!

What brings you down? 

I was bullied school for 7 years; it stripped away my confidence. I was so protected at home I was naive and had a real lack of awareness of the world so I started looking for security in relationships instead of trying new things and taking risks.

I don’t like the feeling of not being in control but this I know, is a false thing because no one is in control anyway. I don’t like not feeling connected to the people who live in my community. I need this connection for my own well being. I really need a good chat with someone at least once a week.

I put too much negative energy into my thoughts. I spend too much time in my head. I know you’re not really your thoughts, you can observe them and you can tell them to shut up.

For a long time I have thought I am not good enough, not pretty enough, not a good enough mother and still on a bad day I can go down that path but there's a spark in me that says “ON WHOSE SAY?” 

What do you think about Life?

I think life is about knowing who you are and not being blown about or letting other people knock you off course. Life is brief and a journey, did my Grandmother think like that? The longer we are living there’s more of a need to create a narrative.

Have you learned anything about yourself from this experience?  

It’s been brilliant. I can't believe what I’ve told you. It's not what I thought it would be; it's been good to reflect on stuff - it’s made me feel good about myself and focused me in on what I really want.

 

May 18th 1972:  I won “Miss El Greco” competition, was rather drunk!